Mia Culpa

[jazzy_dave]

I feel for my cousin and his problems. I try and help out as much as I can with the limited funds we both have and that it is I who often help him out with money. I do not ask for much, he feeds me and we share the expenses of the house. So when I do go out it is towards helping the household funds, and this means when I do travel to the south coast , I have little to play with.

I only get £20 from the Northern Lights gigs I do get free food and drinks on the night but now have to pay my own expenses getting there. In fact the second meal I had at the Northern Lights on the Monday still has to be paid for or it will come out of the gig fee. Actually, after the New Year i think it may be best to forget these gigs all together.

I would love to do more in the way of appreciating the help that GC gives, and I sometimes feel ashamed of not doing more.

There would be no internet at my cousins place without my efforts , and he appreciates that,, since like me, he likes being connected.

The Thursday night at the Dover Castle was mostly paid by Phil, as the Jura was a present given to him. Phil knows very well our situation but he loves our company but we always feel guilty of coming up when we know we cannot afford to,It always looms up every Sunday and Wednesday night.

If the truth be told we really cannot afford to drink, but sometimes we need something to ameliorate the situation.

The book incident was facile I admit. Then when the hardship of the years has made me a bit covetous, and I know it is a bad habit to get into,but is not as easy to reconcile. I admit my faults , and beyond that, I have no excuse. I will strive to be less self-centred, if that is the problem, and hope to go forward with being more responsive to others needs.

Cousin is also worried about his best friend's aggressive cancer , and I know it plays on his mind. I do my best to my abilities , but sometimes I too have my moments of doubt. Fortitude is one of my strengths (I hope) and to cause a ruck between friends is troubling to me.

Francine is a wonderful warm person, and her cancer seems terminal. This morning I was melancholic for no particular reason , and concerned on how to make it better for a cousin who has been through many problems.

If I could turn back the hands of time to undo all the bitterness of the past then I would. The alternative is to not give a fuck, but I am not like that.